No matter how many references Marshall shoehorns in to insurgent guerilla warfare to evoke Iraq and Afghanistan, harping on about “war without honor” and “war without end” this is essentially Boys’ Own Adventure stuff Guns of Navarone with a chunk of Bravo Two-Zero. There’s a momentary idyll in the forest at the home of blonde Scots enchantress Arianne (Imogen Poots). Under the tag line “Scotland: all landscapes, all the time,” Marshall relishes every brutal hack-fest as he whittles down his ragged band of survivors across mountain, river and forest. So, having trekked for days behind enemy lines to get him, they have to escape even further to get home, pursued by vengeful harpy Olga Kurylenko ( Quantum of Solace). Those ‘orrible blue-painted Picts put the general in chains that our heroes can’t break. All 3,000 of the legion are burnt, shot, impaled, beheaded or sliced in every possible gory way, until Fassbender has only six men left to rescue their captured general ( The Wire’s Dominic West in full-on Brian Blessed “Gordon’s alive!” performance). But when the legend is better than the truth, print the legend (as they say in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance). Except, as Marshall himself discovered in the research, it didn’t happen. If you saw The Eagle, you’ll know the tale of the mysterious disappearance of the Ninth Legion. Michael Fassbender ( Prometheus, 300, Hunger) as centurion Quintus Dias, narrates his way through the mother of all chase movies that is either epic or monotonous, depending on whether you find endless helicopter shots of rugged Scottish landscapes thrilling. This is Platoon in togas, set in a time when men are real men and don’t die of exposure up Scottish mountains where no impaling, throat-cutting, beheading or amputation can’t be improved by extra CGI blood or actual claret – preferably with extra gurgling, slicing noises.
Geordie action-horror director Neil Marshall ( Doomsday, The Descent, Dog Soldiers) does the Roman Dirty Dozen in a bloody, splattery retelling of the missing Ninth Legion.
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